Monday, December 7, 2009

A change Is In The Air.....

It snowed the other day.
While many got to enjoy the scenery of snow covered ground
and wintry tree tops,
I only got to see the snow fall.
It was simply too wet for the snow to stick...but it did snow.

I know that I have been M.I.A. for a few days.
And so many of you have asked about an update on my condition.
I went to Houston on  Thursday for a very long day of testing.
(Very loooooooong day.)

I have been in more pain this last week than I ever have.
I can no longer walk without limping.
There are times when my leg simply gives out.
I am extremely tired from lack of sleep
and my appetite sucks.....big time.

My doctor has changed some of my medication
to help my symptoms
and she called me with a glimmer of hope.
The bone scan didn't show a malignant process
where the tumor is
but I have to get a MRI
to confirm or deny that.

After I came home,
I was in DESPERATE need of getting my hair done.
For those of you who don't know me really well......
I get my hair done.
Often.Very often.
Every week.
It's what I do.

As I walked in to the salon,
my hairdresser notices my limp and asks me what's wrong.
I was hesitant to tell her
but since I don't have a t-shirt that says
"Ask me about my tumor"
I went ahead and told her.

This woman,
who has only seen me three times in her life,
spent the entire last twenty minutes of my appointment
to tell me that the reason that I had a tumor
was because I wasn't a faithful enough Christian
and that I was living a defeated, sinful life.

I have never been so stunned and so angry
in all of my days.
Normally, this would have been the time
where I would have jumped out of my seat and probably
gave her a good "what for."
But I just sat there....
I tried to talk but she wouldn't let me have a word in edgewise.
So I paid and left....
crying the whole way home.

I tried to call my sister...she was asleep.
I tried to call my husband...he was at work.
I tried to call my mama....she didn't answer the phone.

It was just me....all alone.

So I talked to God.
I know that He knows my heart and my desires.
I know that my body is subject to sickness and we
are all subject to death
but I don't know why
it has to be me...and why now.

I'm happy.
For the first time in along time
I'm finally happy.
I have the most wonderful husband and loving family.
I have been blessed with
four beautiful children
who I love and adore.
I have a great job and awesome friends.

Why place this burden upon me now?

Mr. M and I have only been married five months.
My son is about to graduate high school
and all of my dreams were coming true.

I know that I have to trust in the Lord
and lean not to my own understanding.
I just don't understand.
Maybe I am defeated....

I talked with the Lord
and I will no longer feel beat down by this.
I will no longer be captive by whatever "this" is
and I will most definitely not let
take my joy.

I can't promise that there won't be anymore tears.
(I'm crying as I type ...)
but I won't be scared.
I won't worry.
I can only do what I can do
and simply carry on.

Anne once told me that
I was a really strong person.
I hope so because I plan to move mountains.

There will be no more pity parties.

There is a change in the air for me.

It is snowing in my life right now.....
but I promise that it won't  get the chance to stick.

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